Just another graduate

I may as well write this since I think it all the time

Thought so

Today.....

Eyebrow pencil to leg and oven cleaner on hands.

This stuff is tame compared to the shit I used to do years ago.

Just having a relapse.

Still best to be by self only. Instead of giving young folks ideas like dropping dead rats on the highway from the walkover.

Good stunt though.


This type of episode .... well it is what it is.

Does it get better... sometimes.

Out of Frangelico

Shit. OK, text message was sent by predecessor but I thought was one in the same.

As for alcohol, I'm self medicating.

Back to original response. This is the last entry.

Get on with your lives, and forget I existed.

Burn everything.

There is no going back and I do not have the strength to go forward.

Put your energy into your kids.

Half Blood Princess

No comments

This blog is mostly for myself. I've disabled comments.

I hate myself. I'm a selfish bitch as it is.

Read if wish.

No one will ever know. The attack will look like an agricultural accident.

Japs do occasionally swarm.

In all the stories, one party must die. Otherwise there will be no happy ending.

Someone did die.... but well he was .... a bystander.

I'm not afraid of death. It's a good thing.

Then I'll join my mother.

Never mind

Your comment coincided with a text message.

This is better. This way I only hurt myself and no one else is affected.

I go through a lot of trouble to make sure that the bridge is burned beyond repair.

This is better.

I die alone in the forest. Like Simon's dog. (With honors).

Going away

Better idea, I'm going to blog somewhere else.

Can't even get any peace in cyberspace.

Go away

I'm sad enough as it is.

This entire idea was stupid.

These are not my strengths.

I am neither extraverted nor intuitive.

I will see my students through to the end of term. They don't expect me back in January anyways.

Christmas was never a happy time of year for me anyways.

Todd died 30 years and 3 days.

PRIME DIRECTIVE

Applies always.

This body is the only thing I have control over and I will treat it as I wish.

The dead don't age

Also used to end 'With Honors'

Banana Woman

I used to be called this by 'real' chinese.

Yellow only goes skin deep. White underneath - western.

Don't speak language. Don't know culture.

....

BUT BLOOD RED is under this skin.

Like Guava.

Comment

One of two people.

Girl - you share my diagnosis and understand what it is like to live like this

Guy - Go away and forget I exist

What is Real?

"It doesn't happen to toys that break easily."

.... read by mother and child....

My truth

This last year has been extremely hard.

It's been reliving my life in fast forward from the age of 14.

I was stupid and in February pressed an override switch.

I went manic and threw caution to the wind.

This is the trough.

The higher, the high, the deeper, the ocean.

In 2000 I was diagnosed as bipolar.

But for the past few years I would say I have been mostly asymptomatic because I was careful to note the warning signs and resign if necessary.

Health first - job/career second.

But this time, I got tossed a curve ball I wasn't prepared for and a secondary force I was not aware of came into play.

Keep reading if you want. It doesn't matter.

After my death, it will be all that lives.

I have no intention of turning 30.

Crippled

My hand is swollen, I didn't take anything and slept with the poison.

Now it is painfully swollen, I gave in and took Piriton. and Cortizone cream.

I am so emotionally drained, I can't even deal with the student.

15 times suspended and wants to drop out.

Angry, young man.

I'm angry too.

Angry that we have built a society, in a 1950's time warp.

A hard society.

2 bites

Jap.

My hand is swollen.

The pain on first sting is intense.

Snape had Snake.

So this is fitting.

Soon an entire nest will stop my breathing.

CUttinG

Stinging.

PAIN.

The only way to know you are alive.

Walking dead.

Head hurts.

Death would be kinder.

7up - medication ?

Hilarious.

This morning I cut and burnt myself.

And no one noticed. They never did.

Only the one who is now missing.

No safety net this time.

I'm in free fall.

Last Words

Usually, I sum up the people who change my life by what they say.

For every bastard, an angel.

If you leave for a better life, you will have to fight for it where ever you go.
In this life you pick your battlefield.

This world needs .....

But this time.

I would have to sum it up by action.

Compassion - effectively demonstrated.

And the importance of doing so.

I do wish things had been different. But they weren't.

I have nine senses or receptors to sort out

Gustation (taste)
Olfaction (smell)
Tactition (touch)
Thermoception (heat, cold)
Equilibrioception (balance, gravity)
Nociception (pain)

Vision (sight)
Audition (hearing)
Proprioception (body awareness)

Senses

So I suppose, the answer is still yes.

It has it's drawbacks, but it also has a certain .... resonance.

It is insync with my inner values and belief system. And as for job ....
Well, I intend to eventually create my own.

Let income be pick and mix.

At the end of the day... it's just me.
By myself.

Given the way things are... in this country.

Forget that... lets face it I'm abnormal.
And will never be accepted by wider society.

Til the end... hopefully sooner rather than later.

Find ways to fill the days.

Christmas wish list

1. A mother
2. A time turner - so I can go back and resign in January before pandemonium breaks lose
3. A new face - so no one can recognise me
   
4. A copy of Capitalism a love story
5. Uhmmm.... Going to have to come up with something simple. - Probably a plant. 
6. To die before year's end.
   

A good death

Snape - snake bite

Jack Spanier nest.... ?

Macape...

Will look for a nest when next I go to the forest.

Patronus 2

As I watch



I think....

That day I left, and the idiot is busy saying I'm OK with that.

I realised...

It might also work for me, slightly tweaked to give me more autonomy. And aligned with motivation.

.... a professional version thereof.

Do I want a profession ?

Yes...



Allied Health and Education

That would be called Therapy

Patronus

A very happy powerful memory.....

Explore past...

Expecto Patronum

- I've got zip.

Wounded

Social Pariah

As I walked by myself
I talked to myself
Myself said to me

You are a selfish faggot.

Only fire can cleanse.

Die.

House

Endorphins.

House cut himself.

It releases endorphins.

It helps.

Eye brow pencil to skin.

I have no hair left.

Will get face paint markers supposedly practicing tattoo designs.

- Always have a plausible excuse for your crazy behaviour.

Most people would rather believe it than the truth.

Inferi and poison potions.

Aguamenti - No thirst can quench.

Blood Sacrifice

Depression

It is a stupid thing to use out all your happy juice on speed, for no purpose.

I'm an idiot.

It is also stupid to judge your ability based on manic productivity.

Moronic.

In this country where people disappear everyday, no one will notice my absence.

I have purposely cut off all acquantances and got them annoyed.

I want no morners.

.... how?

how?

I bet someone will shoot me for $500.

This life is not worth it, life is suffering and death is release.

I have no debt and no dependents.

Time to quit.

Blood Brothers

I remember giving this a standing ovation.

Actually I've been to a lot of West End shows.

RENT and Blood Brothers, I think moved me the most.

Blood Brothers has themes of

Mental health
Class
Secrets
Debt must be paid.

It is slightly hilarious that well, real life, blood brother would be deemed unsuitable company by my family as well.

This was stupid.

Stupid. And now I am going to pay the true price of stupidity.

I'm tired of life, thirty years is enough, that's when Todd died.
Thirty years and three days.

I should have just quit and walk away.

Hypomania is a productive. Depression is not.

The End

Vincent Van Gogh

Bipolar Self harm

Classic mania.

The higher you go the bigger the crash.

It doesn't help that my family does not accept the diagnosis

or that their critical nature is something I have to live with.

I can't be fixed.

He didn't know.

It's no one's fault.

Overall I would have to say I am worse off for what happened.

Just as well the genetic diathesis comes from my father's side.

With time I will be able to patch up my life.

There are no shortcuts

Just finished reading.

And I am going to say this.

A part of me, wish I had never met him, or taken the job in the first place.

But 'there are no shortcuts'.

You wouldn't be the person you are today, if you hadn't been through all the hoops you have jumped.

Experience

Project management is actually similar to the classroom.

The trick is to get all the teams (tables) to transition in sync.

This means forming partnerships, to help students with complementary skills work together.

To give the more capable students, harder problems.

To have all the materials ready - paper, paints what have you.

To stick to the syllabus - scope

And well, system analysis of the human system is diagnosis

see

cornea

aqueous humor

iris

lens

vitreous humor - high pressure - glaucoma

retina - rods, cones x3, ganglia

optic nerve - size of baby finger

optic chiasm in thalamus

occipital lobe.

Make up questions to assess feedback, you could cause these test cases, assessments, exercises

What have you.

Point is.

This is the same job I was doing back in January before I was so rudely interrupted.

In reality, I highly doubt I will stick with it.

I don't know what I want to do, I'm just drifting.

I am a bum.

But I'm OK with that.