Just another graduate

I may as well write this since I think it all the time

Thought so

Today.....

Eyebrow pencil to leg and oven cleaner on hands.

This stuff is tame compared to the shit I used to do years ago.

Just having a relapse.

Still best to be by self only. Instead of giving young folks ideas like dropping dead rats on the highway from the walkover.

Good stunt though.


This type of episode .... well it is what it is.

Does it get better... sometimes.

Out of Frangelico

Shit. OK, text message was sent by predecessor but I thought was one in the same.

As for alcohol, I'm self medicating.

Back to original response. This is the last entry.

Get on with your lives, and forget I existed.

Burn everything.

There is no going back and I do not have the strength to go forward.

Put your energy into your kids.

Half Blood Princess

No comments

This blog is mostly for myself. I've disabled comments.

I hate myself. I'm a selfish bitch as it is.

Read if wish.

No one will ever know. The attack will look like an agricultural accident.

Japs do occasionally swarm.

In all the stories, one party must die. Otherwise there will be no happy ending.

Someone did die.... but well he was .... a bystander.

I'm not afraid of death. It's a good thing.

Then I'll join my mother.

Never mind

Your comment coincided with a text message.

This is better. This way I only hurt myself and no one else is affected.

I go through a lot of trouble to make sure that the bridge is burned beyond repair.

This is better.

I die alone in the forest. Like Simon's dog. (With honors).

Going away

Better idea, I'm going to blog somewhere else.

Can't even get any peace in cyberspace.

Go away

I'm sad enough as it is.

This entire idea was stupid.

These are not my strengths.

I am neither extraverted nor intuitive.

I will see my students through to the end of term. They don't expect me back in January anyways.

Christmas was never a happy time of year for me anyways.

Todd died 30 years and 3 days.

PRIME DIRECTIVE

Applies always.

This body is the only thing I have control over and I will treat it as I wish.

The dead don't age

Also used to end 'With Honors'

Banana Woman

I used to be called this by 'real' chinese.

Yellow only goes skin deep. White underneath - western.

Don't speak language. Don't know culture.

....

BUT BLOOD RED is under this skin.

Like Guava.

Comment

One of two people.

Girl - you share my diagnosis and understand what it is like to live like this

Guy - Go away and forget I exist

What is Real?

"It doesn't happen to toys that break easily."

.... read by mother and child....

My truth

This last year has been extremely hard.

It's been reliving my life in fast forward from the age of 14.

I was stupid and in February pressed an override switch.

I went manic and threw caution to the wind.

This is the trough.

The higher, the high, the deeper, the ocean.

In 2000 I was diagnosed as bipolar.

But for the past few years I would say I have been mostly asymptomatic because I was careful to note the warning signs and resign if necessary.

Health first - job/career second.

But this time, I got tossed a curve ball I wasn't prepared for and a secondary force I was not aware of came into play.

Keep reading if you want. It doesn't matter.

After my death, it will be all that lives.

I have no intention of turning 30.

Crippled

My hand is swollen, I didn't take anything and slept with the poison.

Now it is painfully swollen, I gave in and took Piriton. and Cortizone cream.

I am so emotionally drained, I can't even deal with the student.

15 times suspended and wants to drop out.

Angry, young man.

I'm angry too.

Angry that we have built a society, in a 1950's time warp.

A hard society.

2 bites

Jap.

My hand is swollen.

The pain on first sting is intense.

Snape had Snake.

So this is fitting.

Soon an entire nest will stop my breathing.

CUttinG

Stinging.

PAIN.

The only way to know you are alive.

Walking dead.

Head hurts.

Death would be kinder.

7up - medication ?

Hilarious.

This morning I cut and burnt myself.

And no one noticed. They never did.

Only the one who is now missing.

No safety net this time.

I'm in free fall.

Last Words

Usually, I sum up the people who change my life by what they say.

For every bastard, an angel.

If you leave for a better life, you will have to fight for it where ever you go.
In this life you pick your battlefield.

This world needs .....

But this time.

I would have to sum it up by action.

Compassion - effectively demonstrated.

And the importance of doing so.

I do wish things had been different. But they weren't.

I have nine senses or receptors to sort out

Gustation (taste)
Olfaction (smell)
Tactition (touch)
Thermoception (heat, cold)
Equilibrioception (balance, gravity)
Nociception (pain)

Vision (sight)
Audition (hearing)
Proprioception (body awareness)

Senses

So I suppose, the answer is still yes.

It has it's drawbacks, but it also has a certain .... resonance.

It is insync with my inner values and belief system. And as for job ....
Well, I intend to eventually create my own.

Let income be pick and mix.

At the end of the day... it's just me.
By myself.

Given the way things are... in this country.

Forget that... lets face it I'm abnormal.
And will never be accepted by wider society.

Til the end... hopefully sooner rather than later.

Find ways to fill the days.

Christmas wish list

1. A mother
2. A time turner - so I can go back and resign in January before pandemonium breaks lose
3. A new face - so no one can recognise me
   
4. A copy of Capitalism a love story
5. Uhmmm.... Going to have to come up with something simple. - Probably a plant. 
6. To die before year's end.
   

A good death

Snape - snake bite

Jack Spanier nest.... ?

Macape...

Will look for a nest when next I go to the forest.

Patronus 2

As I watch



I think....

That day I left, and the idiot is busy saying I'm OK with that.

I realised...

It might also work for me, slightly tweaked to give me more autonomy. And aligned with motivation.

.... a professional version thereof.

Do I want a profession ?

Yes...



Allied Health and Education

That would be called Therapy

Patronus

A very happy powerful memory.....

Explore past...

Expecto Patronum

- I've got zip.

Wounded

Social Pariah

As I walked by myself
I talked to myself
Myself said to me

You are a selfish faggot.

Only fire can cleanse.

Die.

House

Endorphins.

House cut himself.

It releases endorphins.

It helps.

Eye brow pencil to skin.

I have no hair left.

Will get face paint markers supposedly practicing tattoo designs.

- Always have a plausible excuse for your crazy behaviour.

Most people would rather believe it than the truth.

Inferi and poison potions.

Aguamenti - No thirst can quench.

Blood Sacrifice

Depression

It is a stupid thing to use out all your happy juice on speed, for no purpose.

I'm an idiot.

It is also stupid to judge your ability based on manic productivity.

Moronic.

In this country where people disappear everyday, no one will notice my absence.

I have purposely cut off all acquantances and got them annoyed.

I want no morners.

.... how?

how?

I bet someone will shoot me for $500.

This life is not worth it, life is suffering and death is release.

I have no debt and no dependents.

Time to quit.

Blood Brothers

I remember giving this a standing ovation.

Actually I've been to a lot of West End shows.

RENT and Blood Brothers, I think moved me the most.

Blood Brothers has themes of

Mental health
Class
Secrets
Debt must be paid.

It is slightly hilarious that well, real life, blood brother would be deemed unsuitable company by my family as well.

This was stupid.

Stupid. And now I am going to pay the true price of stupidity.

I'm tired of life, thirty years is enough, that's when Todd died.
Thirty years and three days.

I should have just quit and walk away.

Hypomania is a productive. Depression is not.

The End

Vincent Van Gogh

Bipolar Self harm

Classic mania.

The higher you go the bigger the crash.

It doesn't help that my family does not accept the diagnosis

or that their critical nature is something I have to live with.

I can't be fixed.

He didn't know.

It's no one's fault.

Overall I would have to say I am worse off for what happened.

Just as well the genetic diathesis comes from my father's side.

With time I will be able to patch up my life.

There are no shortcuts

Just finished reading.

And I am going to say this.

A part of me, wish I had never met him, or taken the job in the first place.

But 'there are no shortcuts'.

You wouldn't be the person you are today, if you hadn't been through all the hoops you have jumped.

Experience

Project management is actually similar to the classroom.

The trick is to get all the teams (tables) to transition in sync.

This means forming partnerships, to help students with complementary skills work together.

To give the more capable students, harder problems.

To have all the materials ready - paper, paints what have you.

To stick to the syllabus - scope

And well, system analysis of the human system is diagnosis

see

cornea

aqueous humor

iris

lens

vitreous humor - high pressure - glaucoma

retina - rods, cones x3, ganglia

optic nerve - size of baby finger

optic chiasm in thalamus

occipital lobe.

Make up questions to assess feedback, you could cause these test cases, assessments, exercises

What have you.

Point is.

This is the same job I was doing back in January before I was so rudely interrupted.

In reality, I highly doubt I will stick with it.

I don't know what I want to do, I'm just drifting.

I am a bum.

But I'm OK with that.

Four minutes

The German movie.

Life is not about the four minutes on stage.

It is the practice behind, it is the time shared.

It is the knowledge imparted.

My aunt says I don't know what hardship is.

I'll give her that.

Time to go revise memory.

Snape

Do I still have Snape thoughts?

Yes.

I may be occassionally lashing out. 

Telling the students, the occassional spliff is a good thing, particularly when your're pissed off.

Sometimes I tell them, life is shit and no body's ever going to give you your due so you might as well break windscreens and slash tyres.

This is the residue left from the whole bizarre experience.

My sensitisation to being a young man with too dark skin, has left me angry with no social context of my own.

Those memories are formed from that perspective and for better or worse will remain as they are. 

So... what to do with myself.... 

Tell the kids, drop some dead rats from the walkway over the highway and watch some cars go into the ditch.

Why the jail am I doing this ?

intrinsic goal orientation is the degree to which students perceive themselves to be participating in a learning task for reasons such as challenge, curiosity, and mastery

An intrinsically motivated student is likely to display autonomy and employ self-initiated exploratory strategies.
 
By contrast, for a student high in extrinsic goal orientation, engaging in a
learning task is the means to an end. 

An extrinsically motivated student seeks approval and external signs of worth and is more likely to ask procedural questions than content-enhancing questions (Sansone & Smith, 2000).
 
Vallerand and Bissonnette (1992) assessed intrinsic and extrinsic motivational
styles as predictors of behavioral persistence in college students. They found that
students who persisted in their studies had higher initial levels of intrinsic motivation
toward academic activities in general than did students who dropped out,
whereas extrinsic motivation did not predict persistence.

In other words, it appears that nontraditional students maintain a higher
threshold of intrinsic motivation to learn with an accompanying increase in positive
affect. Younger students do not report the same degree of need to enjoy the
educational process to persist within the system as do older students.

............

Enough gobblegook.

I want.... I want ...

Or I'll just let her say it.

Calendar year

My mother died on a monday. Calendar of 1998 is same as this year.

Today is the day I returned to Trinidad.

I remember all these people being here when I arrived. I didn't want to see any of them.

From then, ... I have felt homeless.

Home isn't just a place to sleep or a building.

Home is more than that.

Home is a place in your heart you feel proud of and work you are happy to do.

Have I found a home as yet?

No, but I have certainly been searching.

So is there a place for me out there?

Maybe/ maybe not.

Either way.... I don't have any regrets to date.

Tomorrow is another day, come what may.

Viekevie Letter

What does a teacher tell a gay child?

What does a gay teacher tell a gay child?

.... I've been through self-harm,

I've had gay friends have parents tell them they should burn in hell.

And I ...

" The only queer people are those who don't love anybody" - Rita Mae Brown

Then they see headlines of lesbian shame.

Being gay is only one facet of my identity, even though I would say it has caused a disproportionate amount of anguish.

Including scars on my breasts, self inflicted, which I never thought could been seen as beautiful. Except someone did.

My mother died of breast cancer and for a long time, I wanted to get a mastectomy, to get rid of the part of the body that had betrayed the organism.

Some part of me still wants that. To die soon, quickly. Killed by a bus or something.

To not be betrayed, by my reflection.

Gestalt - the whole is more than the sum of the parts

Education

I am a teacher.

But I am a teacher who spent her teenage years listening to this


We don't need no education
We dont need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

We don't need no education
We dont need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

And I believe in.








Therefore, if an 11 year old boy says he wants to be a snow cone man because it is the only thing he looks forward to in school.

I will tell him that is a good life ambition.

A Tribute to my mother

This past year, has been .... weird.

The best word for it is just plain weird.

But this time last year, the anniversary of her death.

I asked myself, who was my mother?

And today,... a lot like me.

But there is one difference. Circumstance.

My mother was able to bring out the best in me.

She is very instrumental in shaping the woman I have become.

But she couldn't do this.

Eleven systems, biochemically integrated.

RUN MR SLICED

Respiration
Urinary
Nevous
Muscular
Reproduction
Skeletal
Lymphatic
Integumentary ( fancy word for skin)
Cardiovascular
Endocrine
Digestive

There comes a time, when the child must admit that she has superceded the parent.

Blood Brothers, which ends ...

Mrs Johnstone
Mickey. Don't shoot Eddie. He's your
Brother. You had a twin brother. I couldn't
afford to keep both of you. His mother
couldn't have kids. I agreed to give one of you away!

Mickey
You! You! Why Didn't You Give Me Away Mam!
I Could Have Been. I could have been HIM! No!

Narrator
And Do We Blame Superstition For What Came To Pass?
Or Could It Be What We Have Come To Know As Class?

The one change, people who know me for years have all commented on, is the marked respect for my ancestors, I now relate.

The sad things is ... these kids... the 'attitude', ' behaviour problem kids'.

Don't realise.

I come from a grandmother who got pregnant at 14 from a first cousin.
If that's not incest, I don't know what is.

My aunt got beaten so badly she couldn't walk.

And in seventy years, two generations.

The child is a national scholarship winner.

If I have ever believed that you are a product of your environment.
And if we want any chance of building a nation.

It's time to show others the path out of this muck.

If only because, my generational line ends with me.

Blood Brothers

Take A Letter Miss Jones lyrics

MR. LYONS
Take a letter, Miss Jones.
Quote...I regret to inform you
That owing to circumstances
Quite beyond our control
It's a premature retirement
For those surplus to requirement
I'm afraid it's a sign of the time, Miss Jones.

MR. LYONS/MISS JONES
An unfortunate sign of the times

MR. LYONS
Take a letter, Miss Jones,
Due to the world situation
The shrinking pound, the global slump

MISS JONES
And the price of oil

MR. LYONS
I'm afraid we must fire you
We no longer require you
It's just another
Sign of the times, Miss Jones,

MR. LYONS/MISS JONES
A most miserable sign of the times

MR. LYONS
Take a letter, Miss Jones:
My dear Miss Jones, we'd like to thank you
Many years of spendid service
Et cetera blah blah blah
You've been a perfect puppet
Yes that's right, Miss Jones, you've got it
It's just another sign of the times,
Miss Jones, it's
Just another sign of the

DOLEITES
Dry your eyes, Miss Jones
It's not as bad as it seems
You get used to being idle
In a year or two
Unemployment's such a pleasure
These days, we call it leisure
It's just another sign of the times,
Miss Jones, it's
Just another sign of the times

NARRATOR
There's a young man on the street, Miss Jones
He's walkin' round in circles,
He's old before his time
But still too young to know.
Don't look at him, don't cry though
This living on the giro
Is only a sign of the times, Miss Jones,
It's just another sign of the times

DOLEITES
Miss Jones,
It's just another sign of the times...